Barbarian
Bonus Material
I had to write this scene. The thought of it just made me burst out laughing over and over again. It’s not really a bonus chapter but more of a What if? chapter.
What if Turic came back to earth and got a corporate job at a printer company? What would his performance review look like? Find out here…
“Who’s next?” I mutter as I grab a file. I hate these performance reviews. It’s basically half an hour of excuses and it wasn’t me’s for each one.
“Up next is Turic,” Karen says, straightening up in her seat with a smile on her face.
“Oh, God,” I say shaking my head as I slump backward. “Can’t we just fire him? He’s not even human.”
Karen is chewing on her pen with a horny look in her eyes. “We’ve been through this, Frank,” she says as she fixes her hair. “He brings in a lot of exposure to the company. Inkwell Printers has had articles in nearly every magazine, website, and newspaper around the globe. Turic is practically a celebrity now.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “He broke sixteen printers this morning and it’s not even lunch time.”
Karen just shrugs. “Whatever property damage he caused, we’ll make back ten times in the free exposure that he brings.”
I stare at her blankly. “He shaved Matt’s hair off with a sharpened rock yesterday.”
“It will grow back,” she says, bitting her bottom lip. “Fine. I’ll talk to him about that. Don’t look at me like that, he’s good for business and the executives want him here, so you’re just going to have to deal with him.”
“Fine,” I say, rolling my eyes with a sigh. They don’t pay me nearly enough for this shit.
Karen walks to the door and opens it. “Turic,” she calls out in a sweet voice. “I’m ready for you.”
I’m sure you are.
She struts back to her seat, swaying her hips like she’s a stripper on stage.
My pulse starts racing as the big blue employee ducks under the door and walks into my office eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. His chest is massive; nearly the size of the table and he’s not wearing a shirt. Just a loincloth, boots and a necktie wrapped around his tree trunk of a neck.
“Oh, God,” I mutter when I see what he’s holding. He has six or seven brown paper bags under his arm. He just stares at me as he tosses the crusts on the floor and digs into another bag, pulling out a wrap.
“Are all of those lunches yours, Turic?” I ask, already knowing what the answer is. “Did you bring all of those?”
“The mighty Turic is hungry,” he says in a booming voice that the whole office can probably hear.
I point to one of the lunch bags as I tap my pen on the desk. “I can’t help but notice that the bag you’re holding says Matt on it.”
“Matt is weak little baby,” he grunts as he bites into the wrap and chucks the rest of it over his shoulder onto the carpet.
I already feel a migraine coming on when I see Matt walking by the window of my office. He peeks in the window with a frown on his face. Half of his hair is missing in patches and the other half is combed to the side, looking like a mess.
“Okay, Turic,” I say as Karen walks to the window and closes the blinds on poor Matt. “We’ll talk about the lunches later. It’s time for your performance review.”
Turic throws the bags on the ground and crosses his arms over his enormous chest.
“There’s a trash can right there,” I whisper. He just stares back. “Never mind,” I mumble. “I’ll pick it up later.”
“I think you’ve been doing a great job,” Karen says, staring at his abs.
Turic nods.
“Okay,” I whisper, rolling my eyes. “We have to talk about your dress code.”
Turic straightens his back and looks down at his loincloth. “Turic slew the mighty bacalan for this.”
“Right,” I say with a gulp. “We’ve had complaints that we can see your…” I motion to his loincloth with my pen but he’s not getting it. He just stares blankly. “We can see your frank and beans. Your little Turic. Your blue snake. Your ding dong.”
“Oh,” Turic says, jumping up. He towers over us and I have to lean back to look up at his face. “You mean Turic’s raging cock.”
Karen leans forward as he lifts up his loincloth to show off all of his impressive manhood.
“Okay,” I say, turning away. “That’s inappropriate.”
Karen is staring at it with wide excited eyes.
He looks down at her with raised eyebrows. “You want to touch the mighty Turic’s towering virility?”
“No, we don’t,” I snap before she can answer. “Right, Karen?”
Karen swallows hard. Her mouth is open as she stares at it.
“Right, Karen?” I ask, nudging her with my elbow.
She catches herself and shakes her head. “No, no, I don’t.”
Liar.
I lean in close to her. “Get a hold of yourself.”
Thankfully, Turic drops his loincloth and sits back down. He grabs the picture frame on my desk, cracking the cheap plastic in his strong grip. “Who is this ugly pink Sandroka?” he asks with a look of disgust on his blue face.
“That’s my wife,” I say with a sigh. “She was really hot when we got married…anyways, that’s not important.” Turic tosses the frame on the desk and the glass breaks. I pick it up and stuff it in my drawer.
“Let’s talk about your work,” I say, glancing down at the performance review paper in front of me.
“Turic is the mightiest warrior in Inkwell Printers,” he booms in a proud fierce voice.
“Probably,” I say with a nod. “But we need you to do less warrioring and a little more sorting files. Which is why we hired you.”
Turic crushes his hand into a fist and clenches his thick jaw. “The powerful Turic will hunt down all of Inkwell Printers’ competition and slay every stinking human inside.”
“Um,” I say, reaching into my pocket for an antacid; something I’ve been doing way too much lately. “I’m going to let you take this one, Karen.”
“Okay,” she says leaning forward with rosy cheeks. “I’m going to need to see that cock again.”
Turic jumps up and lifts up his loin cloth for the second time.
“Okay,” I say, closing his file. “I think I’ve seen enough. Given your performance in general and the fact that you showed your genitals twice in this meeting alone, I am forced to let you go, Turic.”
The blue guy just stares at me, looking confused.
How can I make this more clear? “You’re fired, Turic.”
He reaches a terrifying blue hand over my desk and grabs my tie. I gulp as he yanks me forward, slamming my head onto the desk. I look to Karen for help but she just fans herself with a paper as she watches with a smirk on her lips.
“Fired?” Turic says, pulling my necktie until I can’t breathe. “Turic can make fire out of your hair little weak man.”
“Did I say fire?” I say with my last breath. I try to wiggle free from his grasp but it’s iron tight. “I meant a raise. You’re getting a raise!”
He releases me and I gasp, taking in huge gulps of air that won’t come fast enough.
“A raise?” he repeats, looking pleased with himself. He stands up and lifts up his loin cloth one last time. “Like Turic’s raging cock raises!”
Karen groans as she bites her lip, staring shamelessly.
“Okay, you’ve done such a good job here,” I lie. I just want to get him out of here before he pulls what little hair I have left out like he did to poor Matt. “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?”
“Turic leave now,” he says, heading to the window. He swings his legs out and jumps down the two stories to the parking lot below.
“Bye, Turic,” Karen says, waving to him as she stares at his ass.
I wait until he’s gone before whipping my head towards her. “Jesus, Karen. Real professional.”
She just puts her hand up. “I haven’t been laid in six months. Don’t start with me.”
“Ugh,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Fine. Who’s next?”
She opens the next file. “Matt.”
I sigh. “Okay. Bring him in. We have to tell him that he’s getting a pay cut so that we can give it to Turic.”
She just shakes her head. “Poor Matt.”
What if Turic came back to earth and got a corporate job at a printer company? What would his performance review look like? Find out here…
“Who’s next?” I mutter as I grab a file. I hate these performance reviews. It’s basically half an hour of excuses and it wasn’t me’s for each one.
“Up next is Turic,” Karen says, straightening up in her seat with a smile on her face.
“Oh, God,” I say shaking my head as I slump backward. “Can’t we just fire him? He’s not even human.”
Karen is chewing on her pen with a horny look in her eyes. “We’ve been through this, Frank,” she says as she fixes her hair. “He brings in a lot of exposure to the company. Inkwell Printers has had articles in nearly every magazine, website, and newspaper around the globe. Turic is practically a celebrity now.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “He broke sixteen printers this morning and it’s not even lunch time.”
Karen just shrugs. “Whatever property damage he caused, we’ll make back ten times in the free exposure that he brings.”
I stare at her blankly. “He shaved Matt’s hair off with a sharpened rock yesterday.”
“It will grow back,” she says, bitting her bottom lip. “Fine. I’ll talk to him about that. Don’t look at me like that, he’s good for business and the executives want him here, so you’re just going to have to deal with him.”
“Fine,” I say, rolling my eyes with a sigh. They don’t pay me nearly enough for this shit.
Karen walks to the door and opens it. “Turic,” she calls out in a sweet voice. “I’m ready for you.”
I’m sure you are.
She struts back to her seat, swaying her hips like she’s a stripper on stage.
My pulse starts racing as the big blue employee ducks under the door and walks into my office eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. His chest is massive; nearly the size of the table and he’s not wearing a shirt. Just a loincloth, boots and a necktie wrapped around his tree trunk of a neck.
“Oh, God,” I mutter when I see what he’s holding. He has six or seven brown paper bags under his arm. He just stares at me as he tosses the crusts on the floor and digs into another bag, pulling out a wrap.
“Are all of those lunches yours, Turic?” I ask, already knowing what the answer is. “Did you bring all of those?”
“The mighty Turic is hungry,” he says in a booming voice that the whole office can probably hear.
I point to one of the lunch bags as I tap my pen on the desk. “I can’t help but notice that the bag you’re holding says Matt on it.”
“Matt is weak little baby,” he grunts as he bites into the wrap and chucks the rest of it over his shoulder onto the carpet.
I already feel a migraine coming on when I see Matt walking by the window of my office. He peeks in the window with a frown on his face. Half of his hair is missing in patches and the other half is combed to the side, looking like a mess.
“Okay, Turic,” I say as Karen walks to the window and closes the blinds on poor Matt. “We’ll talk about the lunches later. It’s time for your performance review.”
Turic throws the bags on the ground and crosses his arms over his enormous chest.
“There’s a trash can right there,” I whisper. He just stares back. “Never mind,” I mumble. “I’ll pick it up later.”
“I think you’ve been doing a great job,” Karen says, staring at his abs.
Turic nods.
“Okay,” I whisper, rolling my eyes. “We have to talk about your dress code.”
Turic straightens his back and looks down at his loincloth. “Turic slew the mighty bacalan for this.”
“Right,” I say with a gulp. “We’ve had complaints that we can see your…” I motion to his loincloth with my pen but he’s not getting it. He just stares blankly. “We can see your frank and beans. Your little Turic. Your blue snake. Your ding dong.”
“Oh,” Turic says, jumping up. He towers over us and I have to lean back to look up at his face. “You mean Turic’s raging cock.”
Karen leans forward as he lifts up his loincloth to show off all of his impressive manhood.
“Okay,” I say, turning away. “That’s inappropriate.”
Karen is staring at it with wide excited eyes.
He looks down at her with raised eyebrows. “You want to touch the mighty Turic’s towering virility?”
“No, we don’t,” I snap before she can answer. “Right, Karen?”
Karen swallows hard. Her mouth is open as she stares at it.
“Right, Karen?” I ask, nudging her with my elbow.
She catches herself and shakes her head. “No, no, I don’t.”
Liar.
I lean in close to her. “Get a hold of yourself.”
Thankfully, Turic drops his loincloth and sits back down. He grabs the picture frame on my desk, cracking the cheap plastic in his strong grip. “Who is this ugly pink Sandroka?” he asks with a look of disgust on his blue face.
“That’s my wife,” I say with a sigh. “She was really hot when we got married…anyways, that’s not important.” Turic tosses the frame on the desk and the glass breaks. I pick it up and stuff it in my drawer.
“Let’s talk about your work,” I say, glancing down at the performance review paper in front of me.
“Turic is the mightiest warrior in Inkwell Printers,” he booms in a proud fierce voice.
“Probably,” I say with a nod. “But we need you to do less warrioring and a little more sorting files. Which is why we hired you.”
Turic crushes his hand into a fist and clenches his thick jaw. “The powerful Turic will hunt down all of Inkwell Printers’ competition and slay every stinking human inside.”
“Um,” I say, reaching into my pocket for an antacid; something I’ve been doing way too much lately. “I’m going to let you take this one, Karen.”
“Okay,” she says leaning forward with rosy cheeks. “I’m going to need to see that cock again.”
Turic jumps up and lifts up his loin cloth for the second time.
“Okay,” I say, closing his file. “I think I’ve seen enough. Given your performance in general and the fact that you showed your genitals twice in this meeting alone, I am forced to let you go, Turic.”
The blue guy just stares at me, looking confused.
How can I make this more clear? “You’re fired, Turic.”
He reaches a terrifying blue hand over my desk and grabs my tie. I gulp as he yanks me forward, slamming my head onto the desk. I look to Karen for help but she just fans herself with a paper as she watches with a smirk on her lips.
“Fired?” Turic says, pulling my necktie until I can’t breathe. “Turic can make fire out of your hair little weak man.”
“Did I say fire?” I say with my last breath. I try to wiggle free from his grasp but it’s iron tight. “I meant a raise. You’re getting a raise!”
He releases me and I gasp, taking in huge gulps of air that won’t come fast enough.
“A raise?” he repeats, looking pleased with himself. He stands up and lifts up his loin cloth one last time. “Like Turic’s raging cock raises!”
Karen groans as she bites her lip, staring shamelessly.
“Okay, you’ve done such a good job here,” I lie. I just want to get him out of here before he pulls what little hair I have left out like he did to poor Matt. “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?”
“Turic leave now,” he says, heading to the window. He swings his legs out and jumps down the two stories to the parking lot below.
“Bye, Turic,” Karen says, waving to him as she stares at his ass.
I wait until he’s gone before whipping my head towards her. “Jesus, Karen. Real professional.”
She just puts her hand up. “I haven’t been laid in six months. Don’t start with me.”
“Ugh,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Fine. Who’s next?”
She opens the next file. “Matt.”
I sigh. “Okay. Bring him in. We have to tell him that he’s getting a pay cut so that we can give it to Turic.”
She just shakes her head. “Poor Matt.”
Out Now!
Barbarian Two
